Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Last Saturday: Original


 I wrote this song last summer, and it's the first song I ever posted. To me, it represents a lot of vulnerability. I made this recording with one of my best friends last winter, and I'm proud of and grateful for it. I hope it can mean something for you, too. <3

I saw the sweet one
That my friends told me
Would ask me out and
He never called me.
I saw the one with
The skinny legs I
Sat with for so long,
We sat for so long.
And then we saw your ex-girl
She was beautiful
All lanky legs and curls
I felt pitiful
And there I was
With you but without your eyes
There I was
With you but without your mind
And I cried
I'm not like this
Sometimes I just lose it
When reminders pile on
And you came to ask me
What was hurting
I couldn't say you
So I shut down.
We got so close
You wouldn't let me
Pass until I told
You what was happening
And then I panicked
I felt so sick
And then you walked away and left me
With a heartache
And you wouldn't say a word
To me all night
Don't understand why you care
If I'm all right.
'Cause here I am,
With you if you'd like me, dear,
Here I am,
Wishing it would all get clear.
And I cried
I'm not like this
Sometimes I just lose it
When reminders pile on
And you came to ask me
What was hurting
I couldn't say you so I shut down.
We got so close
You wouldn't let me
Pass until I told
You what was happening
And then I panicked
I felt so sick
And then you walked away and left me
With a heartache

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

The Blues

Over the Genie GS-2632 Scissor Lift and a sign – “Instillation in Progress” – the colors of the sea caught my eye. Eight wooden shelves, pale and quiet, holding blue Mason jars. Blue isn’t the right word, but I have searched the Internet; they don’t have the names I need. Sherwin-Williams, BEHR – their paint names and colors are inventive, but not right. I can find pictures of similar jars, but the color is not quite, and they are called just “blue.”

There are maybe 31 jars to a shelf, maybe 33. I keep losing count. Maybe this is because of the varying shades – island sea, northern sea, gray day sea – or because of the video projected onto the jars. It keeps shifting, and my eye gets distracted and my thoughts scatter. I decide to let the number go – let it be 31 or 33 or in between. I watch the video instead.

It is hard to make out over the blues, but I think it is this: fall leaves, then a woman’s eye, then fall leaves and the junk everyone has in their yard, then two eyes. The camera rocks back and forth above the leaves, or debris; I think of the swing set in my grandparents’ backyard, where I sometimes swing on fall days, thinking of grayer things than I did when I sat there as a child. The eye is in the center of the screen, blinking slowly, looking around, but never at me.

I don’t know its name; I can only see it through the frame of the scissor lift, 20 feet away. It is Rebecca Campbell’s, part of a series called “The Potato Eaters,” but when I try to find it online, I can find only its fellow paintings. There is only one other person by it, and he isn’t looking at it. He is kneeling by a small wall in the gallery, whistling, drilling something resting on the ground. From my quick glance around the corner, he's cute. If this were an indie romance, he would come around the corner, his whistling would stop, and he would perhaps tell me I couldn’t be there. I would adjust my bag on my shoulder, say something earnest about the piece, and after a charmingly awkward conversation, the film would cut to us in a dive bar.

This is not an indie romance. This is me peeping over a sign and through a scissor lift to spy on the sea and the fall. These jars without label are uniform yet distinct, different shades of blue, random and precise, empty but full of shifting images and a woman looking around but never out. As I walk away, I wish I could find the right words for these blues.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Wonder


I believe in big things: God and ministering angels, family and FRIENDS (of the Rachel, Ross, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey variety), the wilderness and civic engagement. When I think about my beliefs, though, I keep remembering the little things: moments so small I don't know how I can believe in them so enormously. I believe in the purity of the day I went running with my dog and we found half a fragile robin’s egg and I cradled it gingerly all the way home, trying to keep the rain off it without crushing its tiny walls in my palm.
On study abroad in London, I wandered into a local charity shop and found a pair of Nikes, size 8.5, from the coveted Liberty x Nike collection, half price. I’d wanted shoes like these for months. When I wear them now, I say, “I know God doesn’t care about shoes, but he cares about how happy they make me.” It’s become a running nearly-joke: “I know God doesn’t care about pie, but…”, “I know God doesn’t care about hot springs, but…” But doesn’t he? These tiny things I believe in, like a robin’s egg in my hand and my dog panting happily by my feet, are His. And I believe in them quite as wholly as I believe in God.
My desktop background is from Roald Dahl, a bit of a wizard with words. “And above all,” he wrote, “watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places.” Glittering eyes are the kind of eyes I think my dog must have when she sees a stick and sees what I don’t: running across the yard and bringing it back to her people and playfully fighting for it with her cousin and rolling in the grass after. (Listen, I just consider my dog the eighth natural wonder of the world. Don’t all dog owners?) My cousin must have glittering eyes when he looks at a trampoline and sees a pirate ship and an airplane and a school bus. My roommate must look at European history with glittering eyes because when she tells stories from her textbook, Austrian politics in the 17th century sound swashbuckling and intriguing, dynamic and dramatic.
So I believe in glittering eyes. And I believe that God cares about my Liberty x Nike charity shop shoes. And I definitely believe He cares about pie. He believes in robins, and their tiny blue eggshells, and in girls going running with their dogs, and in gently rainy days. He believes in wonder, and so I do, too, and maybe that’s what this all comes to. My definition of wonder is synonymous with His definition of tender mercies, of miracles. Maybe I believe so enormously in such tiny things because I see something vast in them: cosmos and eternity and a good God guiding it all.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

PROJECT CONSENT: AUBREY SCHURING

Several months ago, I was surprised to read what an old high school friend, Aubrey Schuring, had posted about her last four years. She’d been in a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship all that time, and now, out of it and trying to heal, was speaking out against sexual assault, abuse, and rape culture, “an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence against women is normalized and excused” (Marshall University).
Since the first post I read, Schuring has posted and talked tirelessly, trying to stimulate discussion about these issues. She volunteers with the Center for Women and Children in Crisis as a Rape Crisis Team member, answering phone calls from and making hospital visits to rape victims.  A few months ago, she got a volunteer position as Staff Photographer for Project Consent, “a non-profit, volunteer-based campaign that aims to combat and deconstruct rape culture by raising awareness of the harmful way with which it is regarded in society, educating our audience about the disparity of discussion of sexual assault, and promoting positive dialogue about the importance of consent.”
Schuring has created two photography series for the campaign, Face Value and The Very Best We Can. In the first, she documented the emotions of herself and three other volunteers talking about their experiences with consent. In the second, she created an anonymous survey about consent and photographed models acting out the emotions and stories shared. That’s two stories in four months. But ideally, she said, “I would be doing a project every week or two. But it’s been kind of put on the backburner because people are scared to share.” It’s understandable, she clarified. Rape and sexual assault are hard things to talk about. But if we try to talk about assault, abuse, and rape culture without attaching personal stories, people aren’t going to listen.
Even when she does share stories like her own, Schuring says people aren’t always supportive. Opposition has come from all directions, even family, although she attributes a lot of that to “a generational gap”. The conservative culture in which she is based - Schuring’s a Utah native - balks at the uncensored language and stories often used and shared when discussing rape and sexual assault, and she says people “shut down and they don’t want to listen.” So as passionate as she is about how she wants to communicate the few stories people are willing to share, she’s juggling between telling censored, dehumanized stories that people won’t listen to and the more realistic, more painful stories she wants to tell that people won’t listen to, either.
As Goldbard said in Human Rights and Culture: From Datasan to Storyland, “anyone who wishes to make significant headway on a social problem or opportunity must engage with people’s feelings and attitudes about it.” She acknowledges the importance of telling these stories in a way that even - and maybe especially - her conservative peers, family, and community can understand and relate to. “Right now,” she said, “I’m trying to find a balance.”

Face Value

The Very Best We Can

Project Consent

The Center For Women And Children in Crisis

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Remixing Rubens: Big Girls










“She's beautiful,' he murmured.
'She's a metre across the hips, easily,' said Julia.
'That is her style of beauty,' said Winston.”
-          George Orwell, 1984

I never identified as a “big girl”. I knew “big girls”, and just didn’t see myself in them. However, by 13, I was already heavier and curvier than the majority of the girls in my grade. And these days, at a size 14-16, bra size 36DD, and a weight that I wouldn’t fib about but wouldn’t be particularly forthcoming with, either, I realize I am probably seen as one.
Is that my identifier? Because the things that I see as a key part of my identity are not so obvious. But how do I tell you about being the child of deaf, divorced parents, or about being happily raised in a non-traditional family, or about being 22 and never having had a guy tell me I was pretty? I started following a different train of thought, thinking instead about facets of my identity that are not important to me but are obvious. The clearest was this idea of being a “big girl.”
Rubens came quite immediately to mind. Peter Paul Rubens, a Baroque painter in the 16th and 17th centuries, is known for painting beautiful, full-figured women. In his milieu, they were considered “the apogee of beauty” (Alastair Sooke, BBC Culture). And where I have never identified as a “big girl”, I am quick to identify with Rubens’ women.
In our culture, “big girls” can be cute or even pretty, but they are not and cannot be beautiful. Perhaps that is the reason I balk at the label. In the shower, on the beach in a favorite swimsuit, in bed wearing a rom-com-esque men’s button-down, I feel beautiful. My thighs more than touch, my stomach has rolls when I sit on the beach, that men’s button-down fits. But I don’t feel just cute or pretty; I feel beautiful.
Ruben’s depiction of Venus, the goddess of love, beauty, sex, and desire, has rolls when she sits. She has cellulite. She has cankles! The goddess Diana barely has a jawline. Rubens’ own wife is painted with a slight double chin. But his women are beautiful.
In Jenkins’ “How Texts Become Real”, he speaks of placing materials in “the context of lived experience. [They] assume increased significance as they are fragmented and reworked.” I fragmented Rubens’ art and milieu, pulling just his women, then considered beautiful, into today’s fashion editorials. I wanted to prove that beauty then can be beauty now. Because perhaps if you see Venus on a modern beach, her stomach folded as she sits, and still think her beautiful, you might reconsider. Rubens’ women, “big girls”, plus-size, curvy, call us what you will - don’t need to be the “apogee of beauty” anymore. Just let us be beautiful.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Millennium: London 2012


Open yourself up to the city and it will open itself up to you.
(2012)

On Tragedy: The Brave Men Don't Run


At the beginning of Ashes and Diamonds, Commissar Szczuka’s men plead to know when the killing will stop, when they will be safe. Solemnly, he replies, “I would be a bad communist if I were to reassure you like a bunch of naïve kids.” Andersen’s Under the Willow Tree, Chekhov’s Heartache, and Wajda’s Ashes and Diamonds seem to look at us with careful eyes, as Szczuka looks at his men, and sigh, “We would be bad tragedies if we were to reassure you like a bunch of naïve kids.”
Tragedy lies not just in loss, but in losing one’s own way. Knud loses Joanna, home, and finds that the things that once held beauty for him are redefined: elderbush and willow trees become sorrow, not joy. The things he loses empty him until he’s not quite sure what to be filled with. He forgets how to see, seeing “but half the world around him; the other half he carried with him in his inward thoughts”. When Joanna gently turned him down, she pleaded, “Knud, do not make yourself and me unhappy.” He tries for a long time to listen, but ends up stumbling home filled with sorrow, “the deepest that can be felt by human nature. Such grief is not for the world; it is not entertaining even to friends.” Tragedy insists both firmly and gently that we sometimes do not choose such grief; we are not always the ones to make ourselves unhappy.
That same grief which refuses to be denied by the lovely Joanna’s pleading or the breathtaking Alps refuses to leave Iona. Like “poor Knud”, who “had no friends,” Iona’s own snowy night is filled with the man trying to give his grief for a moment to anyone who will listen. But his passengers are less than happy to give ear. Chekhov writes that for Iona to “talk about [his son] with someone is possible, but to think of him and picture him is insufferable anguish.” What, then, is more tragic than when no one will let him simply talk? When no one will touch a man’s burdens, let alone bear them; when the only creature that will sit and suck the poison from the wound is a brute who wants only a rubdown and oats?
Maciek finds someone who will half-listen: Krystyna. But she is almost more tragic than Maciek; he orients himself, begins to care, and she still stands bored at the bar like the woman in Manet’s A Bar at the Folies-Bergère. Part of Maciek’s tragedy is in losing her; but most comes from what he understands as he talks to her. “There are things I never really had to think about,” he realizes. “Life always just seemed to work itself out.” Maciek’s tragedy lies in discovering that it doesn’t always. In class, we spoke of a lot of tragedy revolving around “misinterpreting what is set and what is not.” Maciek discovers that, just this once, life does not follow its familiar pattern.
In Maciek’s case, his life isn’t just unmoored; it ends. Knud’s does too, his frozen body found under the symbol of his honey-sweet youth, under the arms of “father-willow”. Iona is alone, a sort of death in itself, and left to share his grief with a horse. Tragedy reminds us that even if we look away, things may fall apart and many things end.
Make ourselves unhappy? We will and must twist and run if we are trying to choose between old convictions and new revelations. When we bravely admit love and the one we love turns pale and cries and calls us ‘brother’, we will of course feel as if “the world had slid out of its course.” We will want to “tell it properly” when our child dies before us when “he ought to have lived,” when he “went and died for no reason,” and we will be carried away when left to tell it to a nag.

In Beasts of the Southern Wild, Hushpuppy, a fierce, sad child, says something key to accessing tragedy in both art and life. Her father is dying, but she understands. “Everybody loses the thing that made them. It’s even how it’s supposed to be in nature.” She sees a dead pig in the road. She doesn’t turn away. “The brave men stay and watch it happen,” she says quietly. “They don’t run.”